Story 3. Written by Jim Waitlord

Glothar, the renowned alien psychiatrist, had encountered many bizarre cases during his illustrious career. But on that day, as he arrived at the little blue planet called Earth, he felt a rare sense of excitement. His mission was to assess the collective psyche of the dominant species, Homo sapiens. Glothar had diagnosed hive minds, distributed consciousnesses, and even species with quantum-entangled emotions, but nothing could prepare him for what lay ahead.

As he entered the mental field of humanity, he was surrounded by a whirlwind of thoughts, worries, ambitions, and contradictions. It was overwhelming, yet oddly fascinating. Glothar straightened, adjusted his multidimensional writing tablet, and initiated the session.

“Greetings, collective minds of humanity!” he said in a calm, professional tone. “I’m here to perform a mental health assessment. Tell me—what brings you here today? Are there any symptoms or concerns you’d like to share?”

Humanity’s collective consciousness responded in a cheerful, confident tone.

“Symptoms? Not at all! Everything is wonderful. Actually, we’re excited about the future. We can’t wait for the polar ice caps to melt away. Imagine the fantastic travel opportunities in the Arctic—luxury ships gliding past towering icebergs, or what’s left of them.”

Glothar blinked in confusion.

“Melting ice caps… That’s a symptom of global warming, isn’t it? Aren’t you worried about rising sea levels? What about flooding in coastal cities?”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Humanity replied enthusiastically. “We’ll just rename them! Venice-1, Venice-2, Venice-3… Every coastal city will have its own number. And think of the charm—kayaking to work! It will be like a global renaissance of water-based transport. Very elegant.”

Glothar raised his ethereal eyebrows.

“And what about the Gulf Stream? If it collapses, Europe could plunge into a new ice age.”

“That’s something we can count on!” Humanity cried out. “Think of winter sports. Snowball fights in southern France, igloo-building in Spain—it’ll be magical! Plus, Greenland will be ice-free, so we can mine the precious minerals buried beneath. It’s a win-win!”

Glothar scribbled furiously on his notebook, struggling to keep up with the stream of delusional optimism. He had seen denial before, but this was something entirely different. Humanity wasn’t just ignoring the consequences of its actions; it seemed to actively enjoy them.

“Let me ask you something,” Glothar said carefully. “You’ve worked hard to eradicate invasive species on your planet, haven’t you?”

“Absolutely,” Humanity replied. “It’s our duty to maintain the balance of nature. Invasive species destroy ecosystems, and we’re the custodians of this planet. We take this responsibility very seriously.”

Glothar hesitated before asking his next question.

“And… have you ever considered that you might be the most invasive species on this planet?”

Humanity laughed—a hearty, booming laugh that echoed through its mental field.

“Us? Oh, come on. We’re the pinnacle of evolution! Everything we do is part of the natural order. After all, we invented the concept of balance!”

Glothar’s tentacles quivered with excitement. He realized he was witnessing an unprecedented phenomenon—a species so deeply entrenched in self-deception that it had turned impending catastrophe into a source of pride.

“This,” Glothar murmured to himself, “is the most severe case of collective psychosis I’ve ever encountered. This is no ordinary condition—it’s groundbreaking!”

Straightening up, he addressed Humanity with a mix of professional decorum and barely concealed glee.

“I must say,” he announced, “that you’re suffering from a condition so profound, so unique, that it deserves to be named after me. Glothar Syndrome! A species incapable of recognizing its own destructive tendencies, yet absurdly proud of them. I’ll be famous! This diagnosis will earn me a Nobel Prize—or at least its galactic equivalent!”

Humanity, oblivious to the implications, beamed with pride.

“Thank you, Doctor! We knew we were special. By the way, have you seen the plans for our new underwater hockey league in flooded Manhattan? We’re calling it the Water World Cup. You should come and watch!”

Glothar left the session triumphant. He had come to Earth expecting a routine evaluation but departed with a discovery that would redefine intergalactic psychiatry. As for Humanity, it remained blissfully unaware of its dire prognosis, dreaming of ice-free cruises, snowball fights, and mineral wealth beneath melting glaciers.

And as Glothar sped away in his ship, he thought, Sometimes, the most profound insights come from the most absurd patients.

Diagnosis of Humanity's Psyche